Monday, December 11, 2006

Some nice emails...

From Trudi...

i loved ur pic of the sign, brilliant, i cacked my bags laughing, i have a sticker on my car that says this:
FUCK OFF I have enough friends,
i only put it there to piss people off, well an old lady in her 70s, come up to me the other day at the shops n said it was discusting, she gave me a lecture, i had to stop myself from laughing, and i felt like adding the same comment that was on that board, but i didnt, but she made me laugh all day, its funny, she didnt mind the sticker next to it that says: Back off - this bitch bites, but she hated the other, oh well somthing for her to tell her ladies group. Well drop me a line anytime for a chat,

My reply...

Yeah that's a classic alright.

If you poke your nose around my blog, you'll get a pretty good idea of what I think of vicious old people too. When I was a youngster, old people had manners and they knew how to behave themselves around young people. Now it just seems like they've all gone totally feral and think they can butt into everyone's lives as if their opinions actually matter and they have something important to say.

I tell you, society is going downhill fast and I shudder to think what old people will be like in 10 to 15 years.

Btw, your profile page is mad. People are having problems with mine so I think I may have to change it again. At least with jolly roger and the camel, I'm not getting "Me so horny, you so hot. Me love you long time" kind of messages. I love to report every one of those I get. :)

Makes ya wonder how many of those profiles are just fronts for congenitally angry 70 year olds.


Trudi's reply...

you have made my day, u crack me up laughin, i luv ur sense of humour, if u ask me the older that these now pretty old people are the bigger assholes they make of themselves, they dont like me, and hunt me down, I have tatoo's a no no in there eyes, and im outrageous, but not to much, why should i act like others my age, as Mr billy connelly would say to them" Fuck Off" and i agree, Im me, Im not ur average bear n i dont wanna be, anho artists all act the same, without us life wouls be dull indeed, like a night sky with no stars.
About this site, iv had a guy usin 2 profiles, he asked me for money, i gave him the flick and told him where 2 go, and iv been emailin his woman friends on his page to let them know, ha
but i cant belive the guy is still on the site with both his profiles, i reported him, but they dont really give a shit, i even had 1 lil african ask me to send him a mobile, i said Piss Off, but thought later i had an old nokia, i was gunna rip out the innerds n send the shell, he said he wanted a phone, he never said a workin one, Im naughty and Impish, and love it, well gotta go and measure the house, i have to put some wire around the back so bandit my pup cant get under the house, i actually like doin stuff like that, makes me feel good, im a very handy imp, a bit pathetic really, comes with bein alone for so long, men just cant handle me, and my artistic ways, my girlfriend rekons Im way too sexual, and it frightens men, as they like to have control all the time, how in the world can u b 2 sexual, oh well who cares what they say, well i do a bit actually is there a way i can tone down my personality?????
well gitta go, watch out for them camels, i had a mate who fell into one of em pissed, and it spit and actually pissed all over him, what a laugh, iv never forgoten that, i will leave u on that note
have a good one, whatever a good one is, and if u find the good one, please forward it this way, as iv only ever had a mediocer one, and a good one sounds good, Oh bugger now iv confused myself!!!
Trudi K

What can I say?

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Writing and stuff

I came up with a few plots for some short stories and Sarah suggested I run with the one with which I least want to run.

I also know Sarah reads this blog so I'm just going to be my usual self when I announce that particular story is underway, but I'm adding one or two twists to it which will render the typically female penchant for the slightly mystical as a non-issue. And rather than make it some sort of short epic tale of romantic heroism, I'm going to turn it into a farcical comedy without changing the overall plot. I also want to avoid having it come across as a cheap version of As Good As It Gets or The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime.

But like I said wherever I said it, it'll be a cold day in hell before I write a romance.

I'm promising myself to write a minimum of 500 words per day on it so it should be done in about 3 or 4 weeks.

Whilst I was ego surfing google, much to my horror, I encountered something which I should have seen coming, but decided to ignore anyway, which is the modicum of care I took to keep the MSN side of my net activities separate from everything else has seemingly backfired and my nick now appears under the headings of almost every kid I've met on the other side over the last 13 months. They've all added me to their lists of friends.

Anton called me a creep today, as usual, but that's ok. I almost pissed myself laughing during the conversation I had with him. Such a sharp lad. I say one thing, just one thing - even if it's a mis-spelled word that doesn't ring the right bell with him and he checks it out. Today the word was "Font" as in "font of knowledge". He checked that word out to make sure I wasn't sneaking a spelling error in under his radar. He came back and told me I could have said "fount" and thereby not caused him that particular bit of discomfiture. How could I not love that guy? Who else could possibly be so contemptuous yet somehow remain inoffensive at the same time.

Even Dayle had to agree that he's a funny guy and she barely knows him.

I revisited something I did on Amazon about 5 years ago too. It still makes me laugh, and though I know it's sorta sad to say that, it just happens to be true.

I've also been thinking it's high time I put out another Swamp but I just think I've moved on a bit since then, especially since I barely even keep in contact with anyone who still subscribes to it. God only knows how many bounces I'd get if I put one out now and my preference these days is for blogging anyway. One I put out earlier is really rather good. No wonder I'm in such a good mood. All I need right now is someone to annoy and my day would be so fulfilled. :)

Tuesday, November 21, 2006


I did actually let on to the kids on the other side about that deal with the cops, I just didn't feel like going into all the details. Although they're all fantastically decent kids, I just get half an inkling they're not as enthused about cops in the same way I am. Oh well, no matter.

I have so much to do and I'm verily lacking any motivation to do any of it right now. One of the kids sent me an email asking me to check out something he's put up on the internet, apparently at the behest of one of the other kids he encountered through me. I love networks! But I haven't, as yet, checked out the link despite knowing of its existence these past 3 days. I feel bad about that too.

This computer gives me the shits something fierce now. Every day, something else decides it no longer thinks it's necessary to obey my commands. I've actually downloaded Crazybrowser again in an effort to at least get my browsing to behave the way I want it to behave - that is, until this fucked up and unstable as the Balkans version of Windows Xtra Pox goes and furgles that as well.

Dell are continuing to throw deals and bargains at my inbox like there's no tomorrow and I swear, those deals are looking more attractive every time I arc up this godforsaken bit of rubbish.

I actually considered using the first notebook that ever made its way through the front door here, an 8 year old machine running Windows 3.0. It's so arcane it's quite funny, but at least its word processor works, and last night, a word processor was all I needed. I felt like putting a comedic twist to a hocus pocus crime short story because without such a twist, or any twist come to think of it, the story itself would be so ho-hum it would scarcely be anything more than a vanity piece or a Mills and Boon story without the love affair. It'll be a cold day in hell before I write a romance, that's for sure.

I got a phone call from the mob offering the Cert IV in Training and Assessment which would be the most handy pre-qual in the country to have and would open every sort of door which I would really like to have open. But they're being pushy and I don't like pushiness. Bloody Queenslanders and bloody bloody money-grubbing Queenslanders. A week or so ago, I was giving serious consideration to moving up there to get away from nit-picking nose pokers down here, but that episode at the station with the gang had me tossing that idea in very short order. That's right, blame the kids again. :)

If they were shitty kids, it wouldn't have made an impact, but they're terrific kids and if I can do something positive for them, their mates and all the other great misunderstood and downtrodden youngsters in the area then I'll never be short of motivation again.

Which reminds me of that stroppy cow I met at that seminar early this year, the one who was mortified at the thought of giving the world's teenagers a voice. To the outsider, the impression of teenagers is that they're scatty, disorganised, bad tempered, impossible to reason with and impossible to organise. The teenagers I've seen over the years who are no different from teenagers today are all bursting at the seams to prove themselves and hungry for opportunities to do so.

Sure they speak a different language from that of deadhearts, they're alive and they speak their minds, not this p.c. meaningless mumbo jumbo, I-can-manipulate-you-with-carefully-chosen-wordiness fucking bullshit of which they are rightly sick to the eyeballs. They say what they mean and they mean what they say and that's what I like most about them. No bullshitting or backstabbing. If they're not happy, they'll let you know, but they'll also give you every chance in the world to fix things. They are, no matter how you look at it, better people in every respect. That fat pog at the seminar has the same bullshit lameness disability as every other misbegotten scrote in her profession - she doesn't listen. She tells you what she wants you to hear, and she lives in her own little world where discovering new ways to manipulate people is the main order of business. Fucking troll.

Meh. I'll get what I want one way or another. And somewhere along the line, I'll also get that fucking website going - even if it kills me. I've kept those other marvellous kids waiting for that one for far too long.

Monday, November 20, 2006

Officially teasing

Update 3 of 3 for tonight.

God only knows how many bloody blogs I have now, but this is my 3rd update for tonight and not only could I not be bothered updating the other ones, I've scarcely got any idea where they bloody well are. Does frappr even exist anymore?

Anyway, there are things going on which I put in some blogs and don't put in others which, when I read over them makes all of them sound a teeny weeny bit hollow. The reason I put stuff in some blogs and not in others is because of the prejudices of the various people reading them.

The kids don't want to know about my history with the police which has resulted in one of the longest and most valuable offline friendships I've ever had. I also don't make mention of the kids I met offline over the other side because I don't want those kids feeling like there's competition. There isn't, they're just in two totally different worlds.

I don't feel like responding to questions about the kids from the other side in the other blog so I don't mention them very often there and more people read that one than either of the other two.

But for my own sanity and in some sort of probably misguided effort to put the whole shebang into perspective, the first blog I ever had, this one, shall hereby be the beneficiary of what's what in the goings on in my world right now.

A few months ago, a kid approached me at a train station late at night to ask for change for a phone call. I gave him change. Coincidentally, we got off the train at the same stop and that kid then asked me for a cig when he saw me rolling one for myself. I obliged and after a brief conversation, he asked for my phone number and I gave it to him.

A few weeks later, he rang me up and we met up at the station again.

We've met up quite a few times since then and together with one of his friends, we've spent a lot of very relaxed time together. Through this association, I've also met half a dozen of his other friends and meeting up at the station has become a regular occurence. I draw the line at meeting at my place because, like with all of my friends, when I'm at home, I don't mind going out but home is where I go to get away from everything and everyone and I need that space to remain one where I can be sure I won't have people invading - no matter how much I enjoy their company. The unspoken law, therefore, is my place is off limits to everyone. I won't be happy if someone lobs on my doorstep unannounced and odds on I'd pretend to not be home anyway.

Tom is 17, his constant sidekick, Ahmed, is 16. The others range in ages from 17 to 20 and I enjoy being around all of them singularly or in the group. We just all get along so well and it's always just so relaxed, easy and comfortable - sitting under the trees at the station.

I'll just note here that all these kids are well known to the local constabulary for all the wrong reasons. So they're not what the deadhearts would call "nice kids". They're not "nice", they're fairly wild, tough and wilful - and they look it - and I adore them.

I recruited Tom and Ahmed one night a couple of months ago to engage in a spot of judicious burglary and theft which they did with admirable professionalism. They stole everything I said they could steal and didn't touch anything else. They also made a very tidy profit out of it. And no, it wasn't any sort of insurance or any other kind of scam either. It was a sitting duck waiting to be knocked off by someone and I just made sure we were first. Hey, I never said I was an angel. I can be bad to the bone when the mood suits me.

Moving right along, a month or so ago, I just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time and as a result, I got pulled in by some city cops with a few other people who were also in the wrong place at the wrong time. We all got searched and my wallet just happened to contain a credit card belonging to a friend of mine so I came in for some special attention. Before I was able to prove that I hadn't stolen George's credit card, I was being treated by these cops as a lying thief. Two of the cops stayed in the background, one behaved like a shithead, but the acting sergeant was a decent bloke so I made a point of getting his details and after a couple of days, I got in touch with him to point him in the direction of some crew of which I'm aware who would be something of a challenge to wrap up.

Gently testing the waters, it's pretty clear if this cop is going to have a hand in wrapping up this crew, they're going to need a contact to do the legwork because referrals from peripheral contacts like me won't get anywhere. I know one minor member of this gang and that's not enough even for me to be introduced to any other member. I have no chance of introducing anyone else to anyone at all.

Now, because this is heavy stuff, I have a need to cover my own arse, therefore I got in touch with my old cop mate from years ago who was only too pleased to see me. Mick was the one who set me up in a hotel with a recording device strapped to my body in order to catch a serial pedophile - way back in 1998. Mick knows me and he knows how touchy I am about having my name splashed all around police headquarters and he knows which groups I trust and those I don't. I gave him the name and unit of the acting sergeant to whom I gave the info on that crew from up north but Mick sees no reason to get in touch and asked me explicitly to keep a low profile as far as contact with police is concerned because he has some things in mind for which he will be glad to have my help. Of course, everything I do with the other cop, he will be kept up to date as and when anything happens. The other cop knows I have a contact and is just going to have to content himself with the fact I won't drop Mick's name to him.

Mick is also particularly useful in that if Tom or his mates get into trouble with the cops and I get to hear of it, there's a reasonable chance I can get them off with a caution - depending on what it is.

Shoot forward to today, or more correctly, yesterday; I bumped into the guys yesterday at the station as I was coming home from work and after the others left, Tom and I discussed this notion I had of using my contacts and local knowledge to get a job as an employment consultant in one of the employment agencies established for the benefit of those on welfare. Tom liked the idea when I told him earlier in the week, and yesterday he liked it even more. I'm likely to get a temporary gig leading up to Christmas but after Christmas when demand for employment consultants goes up sharply, that's what I want to do.

So now, I'm waiting for the city cop to let me know whether or not his crew is going to have a go at wrapping up the gang up north whereupon I'll update Mick on the progress of that venture. I'm waiting to see if I get this gig up to Christmas, thereafter to launch into a long term career which I can conceivably use to launch the professional lives of a bunch of great young people whom I can see getting nowhere without the sort of help I'd be only too keen to give them. (Criminal records don't look good on anyone's resume, but referees with industry contacts can overcome many a major stumbling block.)

I'm also waiting for Mick to get in touch as he said he would after this G20 fiasco in the city this week.

There is much to do and I hate waiting. But at least I've tied these three blogs together so that's something I can say I've done.

My email addy gets emails from two MSN groups updating me on the latest activity in the groups. I can't get that addy out of the groups because I can't log in to groups using and since I'm not a member of P&A with any other addy, I can't see what's going on in there any more because I can't log in. I did note with a wry smile, however, that my last entry in P&A, the Can't Fucking Stand it Any More thread, is still active. I wonder if it has become the battle ground for those who can still see a ChatRat nick in the member list who use that to convince themselves and others what a dreadful liar I am versus those who don't think any such thing, if it has become a battleground over whether or not Bong should be allowed to keep doing what he's doing which bugged the living shit out of me and was the reason I quit Philochat as well - or if it has just become yet one more dumping ground for that demented fuckwit and his youtube links...

Whatever is going on with that thread though, I know one thing for sure: no matter who says what, the whole sodding mess of a thing just would not interest anyone of the calibre of any one of those kids I know either in rl or on the other side. The whole thing would just be beneath all of them and that is yet one more reason in a very long list of reasons why I so much prefer interaction with them than with the likes of those legally defined as adult fucking retarded jackasses.

I'm sick to the back teeth of having to watch my back, side with anyone, be careful of double entendres and innuendo which is usually taken the wrong way, misunderstandings which invariably leads to unbelievably inane mud slinging or just general manipulation and dodging - and all the other concommitant bullshit that goes with groups of people who just cannot accept differences of opinion as anything other than personal confrontations.

If I disagree with the kids or they disagree with me, we have a laugh and talk about something else. If it were a contest between the kids and the deadhearts for my time, it'd be the shortest contest in the history of contests.

So, with a head full of steam and my generally impatient disposition, I find myself awaiting the new year in keen anticipation of making a real difference to as many youngsters as it may be within my power to make. And without MSN Groups to hold me back, I also intend to build more contacts with people on the internet with whom I share common interests without competition or distraction. With any luck, I'll have more (and more interesting) things to share with my readership of 2.5 here at blogger.

(Waves to the ladies...)

Enjoy your week, mine's shaping up to be huge. :)

Sunday, November 12, 2006

Must do more.

This week has been pretty good as far as I'm concerned.

I mentioned last month how I'd caught up with a couple of people I met at a train station way back earlier in the year and I've spent a couple of days with them this week. I was also introduced to a few of their mates on Friday night and it was all just brilliant.

I got inspired.

Rather than plod around as I have been doing for the last 8 months or so, I've decided as of Friday night, that I'm going to go after an office job where I can be a real help and influence to people who have none. I have to get a certificate, then I'm going to bully my way into the state run job network, hopefully with the Salvation Army, and get jobs for these people, jobs they can actually do instead of just setting them up to fail.

By "jobs they can actually do" I mean jobs of which they're not just physically capable of doing, I mean jobs around which they can wrap their heads and their hearts and jobs in which they can stay.

I have contacts and I intend to make the best of those contacts.

Years ago, I wrote an article declaiming the value of talk and decrying the top-down mentality of fuckwits in ivory towers thinking they can run businesses and people from their gilded little plastic box offices. In January of this year, I attended a seminar on communication wherein I outlined my plan to build Infoburger, a resource and outlet for schoolies. I still haven't done that - my machine has been cactus as far as apps go for about 3 months now - but there's a renewed sense of urgency now.

All this isn't just because I've spent a couple of days this week adding up to about 9 hours in the company of teenagers, but last night I was reading a book about the entrenched corruption in the New South Wales police service between 1997 and 2003 and one of the catalysts for a state government cabinet shake-up and the removal of the Commissioner of Police - was a 17 year old junkie heroin dealer from Cabramatta, the heroin capital of Australia.

It further cemented my already pretty rock solid belief in the capacity of young people to make a massive difference to everyone if they only have the support and guidance of decent people. I just don't have the words to convey how fundamentally essential young people are to the health and well being of society and reiterate here for the umpteenth time that old fucks ignore young people at their own peril and to the ultimate detriment of everyone.

I sat around at the train station with half a dozen teenagers on Friday night til about 10pm and we all swapped stories of police behaviour towards them. I knew full well that if a roving cop car happened to pass our group just sitting there talking, they'd have questioned all of us and I'd have been fucked.

They all have convictions for property crimes and crimes of violence so they're all well known to the cops, but I tell you straight from the heart that I felt so in my element, so relaxed and comfortable just sitting there talking and laughing with these kids, and if old fucks just shut up and listened to them, they couldn't help but feel the same way as I did about those kids on Friday night.

Then reading that book on police corruption yesterday put the icing on the cake. I'm not just going to convince anonymous web dwellers of the inordinate value of these kids, I'm going to convince employers of their value and I'm going to have those kids prove to themselves their own intrinsic worth and hopefully, in the process, send as big a "FUCK YOU" to the hoards of deadhearts who put their heads down and scowl when they see groups of young people congregating at train stations late at night.

They each have one talent. Everyone has one special talent, mine's communication with anyone who is honest with themselves and with others. I can't handle manipulative sons of bitches who point score with bullshit and innuendo. (Just getting off topic there for a moment...) But these kids all have one talent as well. I have to find out from them what that talent is so they can put it to better use than just talking about it in places where they're likely to upset the deadhearts and the law.

My blood is up something fierce just now and I have to run off to catch up with my cop mate who needs to know what I'm doing, what I intend and how I intend to go about it. That, and we're cooking up a good bust as well - but that's another story for another day.

Thursday, October 26, 2006

Oh how positively petty.

I got booted out of P&A.

Funny isn't it. Anyone can say whatever they like about me and mine, but when I do likewise, it's the end of the world.

"But you brought it up first, Rat, so don't blame other people when you get responses you don't like."

And I got you to bring it up later - in the heat of battle no less - so does that mean I'm not allowed to respond in the same manner to which you responded to my messages?

Those oh so perfect in every way women can gleefully have a free-for-all at the expense of my beloved little brother, but bring Wes's brat into the mix and it's evil beyond belief - even though I didn't besmirch the kid or say anything negative about him. (Until now, but this is my blog and I'll say whatever I friggin well want to say...)

But I know why they banned me. It was because dear Wes felt threatened that I would take her online activities offline and email her boss that she spends hours of her day every day mucking about on MSN messageboards on her work computer.

The comment that did it was "That's telling. That's very telling. I wonder if I should tell."

Although I did clarify that I wouldn't do any such thing, and they should damn well know that, it was still perceived as a real threat - or so they'd like to make out they felt threatened - so Rat had to go. No fanfare, no email, just bye-bye.

What stuns me the most is that all the behaviours I exhibit about which they all complain are exactly the same behaviours they exhibit themselves.

But I think what really makes my breakfast is the fact I was accused of making a threat against zippy as well - when in this blog I'd pointed out the threat was merely a hint that I might just leave the group altogether thus taking the wind out of zippy's sails - he'd have nothing about which to complain and therefore no reason to even be a member of the group.

Nice one Jen. Zippy said you have balls for making a decision. The trouble is, they're Wes's balls. The sisterhood thrives.

Oh well... I'm done with it all now. The kids want me to get active again over the other side so who needs the bullshit, the backstabbing, the paranoia, the innuendo, the cattiness and negativity of a bunch of airheads who've hit middle age before they've hit 30.

What a lot of bollocks. I should have done this last year when I first ventured over to the other side, realised how much I didn't need all the shit of which I complained at msn and just never bothered going back.

New horizons, no baggage. Let's see where it goes.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006


I caught up with a couple of people last week whom I met at a train station a few months ago.

It made my week.

Not much else has happened that is worthy of a blog mention.

Except to say I've experienced the tiniest modicum of disappointment in a few people at PA. I actually gave thought to leaving the group yesterday whilst I removed myself from Philochat and Big Daddy's Cafe. Leaving would have totally removed zippy's reason for even being there since all he's done is try to get the better of me since he got back from his honeymoon. I mentioned it in one thread and it was taken by him to be a threat to his offline existence, such as it is.

What a gimp. Red X, zippy. If it's no longer fun for you, use the little red X.

Fuck, some people are stupid.

Saturday, September 30, 2006

In case anyone thought I'm going soft...

Being a prick just encourages these idiotic bimbos to keep trying their luck.

Hello, My name is Daniella or you can call me Sweety cos that what my mom do call me .

It doesn't matter what your mother calls you, you're still a fuckwit.

i am 31yrs from West Africa/Nigeria saw ur profile on here and i was really hooked up and would love to get to know u ......


i am a into Sales and do model too ....

Really? How fascinating. I am into historical biographies and torturing other people's pets. Let's swap recipes some day.

i am single and never been married.

Surprise surprise.

i am 5'5 tall and black hair,

Umm... so whose pic is this then?

i have gone through 2 dates now but just won't find a suitable match for myself

Well there are more than 2.9 billion guys on the planet, keep trying.

...i have gone through so many things in life which i will like to express right now

Oh dear god, spare me please...

and i must tell you that you seems sweet nice and kind

HAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!!!!!! Wooooo hooooo!!!!
How do you say "WRONG!" in Nigerian?

and your profile tells me more about you,

As profiles tend to do. Mine, as it happens though, is fairly sparse.

i must tell you i need a man like you in my life,you have all the qualities a woman like me need in a man.

I have not the words.

i am Kinda shy of expressing my feelings in person,and most man here in my states are not honest with me all they need from me is sex and pleasure.

Yeah and?

i am a aquarius.

You are an idiot.

well it nice coming accross your profile and i think it really intresting...

I'm sorry, did I see you write the words "you think"? Oh my, I did too. Now there's a dangerous prospect.

You want to be treated right. You want to be valued and understood. You want to be free to express yourself and you understand the world around you.

Yeah, and I already have all that.

i have ben hurt so mant times and i am wanting to meet a nice man as you are.........

Look, I'd say I really hate to disappoint you, but that would be an outrageous lie. Frankly, I hope you get eaten by lions.

i love to play golf,tennis and soccer,camping,writing and watch sporting games and a whole lot other things to make me busy and don't lonely.

So what the fuck do you want a man in your life for then? Get one of those and you'll be stuck cooking, cleaning, washing...

like to travel and i think i have been a good traveller and better one.well a little about me would feel very happy if i could get a response from you...

Nah, you don't really want a response from me. I'd only encourage you to mess round with explosives or taunt rival militia leaders... you know, really shortlived passtimes.

until then have a good and nice day out there hope to hear from you soon.

Don't get those hopes up too high, tootsie.

you might not be able to view my profile maybe they have not approve it yet but they will approve it later in the day i just join today please do not reply to me on here i am on a free 3day trial and might get booted off anytime,

Free 3 day trial huh... On MySpace... You mean, you're tempting fate for 3 days until someone tells Tom what a horrible spamwhore you are. Frankly, my money's on Tom.

my private email address it's.... daniesblues3250 at yahoo dot com ( am also on yahoo messenger too so you can as well leave me a message .....

Like um.... oooooh.... Get fucked? (Do feel free, dear readers, to pass my thoughts to the lovely whatsername.)

i hope to hear from you soon until then have a great time.

Doing what??

care to hear from u soon.if You will like to see my pix you can mail me or chat with me on yahoo instant messenger...
Take good care of your self.

N:B: i will be re-locating soon as soon as i find my Mr.Right if that is what he needs for a better relationship.

Hmmm... tricky. I think if it came down to better relationships, you'd probably come third behind a puff adder and an angry scorpion.
its make me feel special and wortly,.i will really like to learn more about you, i want you to know that the first time i look into your profiles, its really touched my heart and got my attention,so thats why i email you,to let you know that someone know you're cutie and want to meet you in person somedays soon, am a kind of woman with a great sence of humor who's not always afraid to show my feelings to others,.am creative,passionate and self confident,i got some little exprience about internet dating, and i know its a better way to meet the right one,.
(My bucket runneth over...) so thats why i join the site, sweetie i want you to know that about founding the right one is not about the love we have in the begining,is all about the love we gonna achieve , so sweetie, will you mind telling me more about yourself , and i want you to know that am not looking for the love alone,i want my love to be my best friend and my partner, can't wait to read your lovely letter soon, cos its now your turn to reply,. reply to
God Bless you sweetie.

Don't call me sweetie, you dozy trollop.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

On Social Workers


I hate them all. I don't care with whom they work or what their mandate happens to be, as far as I am concerned, they're all worthless.

Only, it's not initially their fault. They are constrained by bureaucratic mechanisms installed to protect them and their clients from legal repercussions. For example, no social worker will visit a child at the child's home without at least one other social worker being present. Ostensibly, that is to protect the child but in reality, it's to protect the worker from being falsely accused by the child.

Therein lies the problem. If they think the kids are not aware of that, they are insane. As soon as two adults arrive and start talking in official language, or even with an official sounding slant, that kid knows they're not on even footing and that tells me there will be no meeting of the minds in this exchange. That kid will be as defensive as he or she knows how to be.

Put the kid in the environment of the social worker's office and you take the kid out of his or her natural environment and what you get is a product of the office environment that has no basis in the day to day reality of the kid. In other words, it's a complete waste of time.

When I was involved with kids, I got down to their level. I invariably got covered in dirt, frequently got holes in my clothes, sometimes got spat on, often got a few bruises or scratches, had no dignity to speak of whatsoever. But I got results and I got them pretty quickly.

The naysayers all questioned my motives. Then, as now, my mantra was "Don't talk to me about it, talk to the kids themselves. If they don't like something, they'll tell you quick enough."

How the hell else would I know about this stupid social worker situation. I've heard the same stories from dozens of kids. I've read the stories in the newspapers, I've dealt with the bureacracy, with the workers and the courts.

I've also dealt with that variety who deal with adults. They're even worse. Since 1991, I've met only one 'social worker' whom I would deem worthy of respect and she was a counsellor, not a social worker per se.

Social workers who deal with adults also travel in pairs for the same safety reasons as do those who deal with kids. The adult victims of these insensible twats are also placed in an instantly adversarial environment, and unless knowledge is available of how to work the system, the adult will be as unwitting and unwilling a victim as any child "client" of the social worker brotherhood.

What's prompted this after a month's worth of absence?

Simple, I've been reading (and commented upon) the blog of a London Magistrate and one of his entries expresses his admiration for the work done by those who work with troubled youth.

Until now, I thought magistrates just grudgingly accepted and commended the work done by social workers. Now I see it's just possible that the judiciary actually believes those parasites are of some sort of benefit.

I am stunned and horrified.

I know from my dealings with the police that it's an unwritten code that one branch of the public service is forbidden to speak ill of any other branch of the public service - but I have friends in just about all branches of the public service and I am privy to the bitchiness and backstabbing which goes on every day. Each branch of the public service seems to know what EVERY member of the general public knows and will openly declare: that the public sector is fucked beyond belief.

Judges, it has long been held here in Victoria, have practically no idea of anything to do with the attitudes of the public at large and frequently utter such insane remarks as "She brought this violence on herself" that they simply have to be removed from the bench. And rightly so. It's one thing to hold such beliefs, but to express them and express them in a public forum - I wouldn't trust such an individual to make me a cup of coffee let alone decide on the fate of a fellow member of society. "He has shown genuine remorse..." FUCK OFF! The cunt did it because he felt it was a good thing for him to do. Of course he's going to show remorse, not for what he's done - but for getting caught. Blind Freddy can see that, why the hell can't a bloody judge see it?

I believe in rehabilitation. I don't believe in the death penalty at all or unduly long sentences for crimes against property. I dislike crimes against the person, however, and I would like to see punishments for these offences reflect my community's attitudes to such crimes. The community expects crimes against children to punished most severely of all - judges seldom see it that way.

Judges often see mitigating circumstances when there is a crime committed against a child. Remorse is one such example. In exactly the same way, judges buy any and all claptrap spouted by social workers who in one breath extol the progress the child has made, in order to appear like a hero to the child, then in the next breath complain about how the child repeatedly thwarts or sabotages all efforts to help.

Yet the judges buy it every time. As I said before, until now I just thought they had to buy it as part of their job description. The blog I just read confirms my worst fears.

Saturday, July 01, 2006

So Long

I love it when I can get one of my old 80s faves back from the mists of time.

When I read your letter I couldn't believe that you'd gone.
I dialed your number but no one answered the phone.
I asked your friends to tell me if they knew where you were,
They said they thought that you were ill.
I hired a detective to try and find out where you are.
He managed to trace you, he said you were living in France.
A watchman saw you climb into someone else's car
And drive off laughing in the night.

Why didn't you tell me?
Not leave me this way.
Ooh you could have told me
Not waited for so long.

I've tried to forget you but I found myself walking the street.
I went to the doctor and he gave me something to sleep.
I've sent you telgrams but you haven't answered one.
Your mother told me I best leave you well alone.
I hope you're satisfied now you've done this thing to me.
I hope you're pleased with what you've done.

Why didn't you tell me?
Not leave me this way.
Oooh you could have told me.
Not waited for so long.

For so long
I never realised just exactly who you were.
For so long
I never realised the girl I had before.
For so long
I hope you're satisfied you won't hear from me again.
For so long
I hope you're pleased with what you've done.

Why didn't you tell me?
Not leave me this way.
Ooh you should have told me.
Not waited for so long.

So Long, by Fisher Z.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Buy Me!!

My head almost exploded from the assortment of impressions which flashed through it upon spotting this little number.

There's a magazine dedicated to professional people in charge of those hidden irritation factories known as Call Centres. It's called, predictably, Call Center Magazine.

It discusses best practices for "customer care" as if customer care were at the top of the agenda for any corporation.

Let me just explain this a little better. A call centre, even when it's primarily an inbound sales office, is an expense. For every sales person you have clicking through the credit card details, there are at least two support personnel in IT, help desk, supervision or HR.

These are the sorts of call centres who put you on hold for five hours when you ring up with an "issue". They don't really want to talk to you, they want you to sort yourself out, hence the automated menu system, and recorded helpline services.

The other kinds of call centres, the outbound ones, the ones that ring you up when you're about to set down to dinner or watch your favourite evening tv show, or take the kids to sport on Saturday morning - those annoyance generators don't give a fuck about "customer care", they just want you to be home so they can sell you shit or get you to cough up to their charity.

What is "Best Practice" as far as a call centre is concerned? Well, subscribe to Call Center Magazine and find out. I have to admit, I'm tempted to sign on for this one just for the laughs. I know what I expect when I ring a call centre, therefore I only ever ring the ones I know will give me what I want - an instant answer to my question. My bank gives me that. My phone company gives me that. Any other call centre is called a shop front and the keypad is on the end of my legs enveloped in a pair of shoes. If someone can't deal with my stuff face to face, let them face the horrors of their own call centre and I'll sit and watch their chagrin if I have nothing better to do.

Needless to say, when my computer crashed, I didn't bother phoning anyone about it. I reformatted my hard drive and started reloading all the old apps one by one and dredging through the drive to find the stuff I wanted to put back on my desktop.

Oh I'm so tempted to sub up for this magazine. So so so tempted. It could be the source for a few editions worth of amusement of a different nature. Different but somehow typically familiar.

Monday, May 22, 2006

Oops, update.

Still pissed off with people who don't know up from down.

Someone chokes back tears and it's taken as clues the person is lying.

Anton and I had a wonderful argument today about this website we're going to build. It occurred to me how much I value that lad. Here's the deal: I'm allowed to complain about everything he says to me, but anyone trying to besmirch his character is going way over the boundaries of acceptable behaviour. If I didn't have so enormous an amount of affection for him, would I bother arguing every minor detail with him or just go right ahead and do whatever I want to do with this website without him.

Bit of a no-brainer isn't it.

One of the English kids has an ace up his sleeve as far as hitting my wonderful big green button goes too. He has this threat he likes to produce, seemingly at the drop of a hat: I'm gonna sign that fucker up for so much stuff, his inbox is gunna be fucked.

You have to admit, that is a truly wonderful annoyance tactic, and one that amuses me mightily. Naturally I've pointed him in Cheri's direction. :) And in case anyone's wondering, I did derive an inordinate amount of pleasure as a kid poking ants' nests with long sticks and watching the ensuing frenzy. Especially venomous ants' nests when there was an element of danger involved. (Those fuckers attack in numbers and sting like capital bastards.)

It sure beats the shit out of plague's impotent rantings and threats. I may just pop back into that group just to antagonise him a bit further. I certainly would if I didn't already have so much on my plate right now.

I have to attend an expo tomorrow afternoon. A major seminar and schmooze fest. I'll be attending four seminars on leadership and the latest in marketing bamboozleness. I'll be taking my copy of Cluetrain Manifesto just to see how many know anything at all about speaking with voice, not with corpo hucksterism. Maybe I'll be pleasantly surprised - I somehow doubt it.

I'm not really going for the seminars though. I'm well enough versed in all that hokum to realise the real business is done over the plonk and canapes where people swap business cards and email addresses and get down to real business when the festival induced haze and mutual back slapping is just an unpleasant memory. Four seminars is more than enough time for me to sus out who the real people are and who is just there to take advantage of the free drinks.

(Yes, I detest these functions. They are an unnecessary evil, beset on all sides with bullshitters of the highest order. It's an inescapable fact of life for the schmoozoisie that those who consider themselves Schmoozemasters will organise these nauseating episodes of self-congratulation and mutual cock-sucking and the only people who don't need to go are those who have actually been invited to be part of the audience. It's slightly different for me; I'm being PAID to listen to these wankers and bring back the vital information. If I'm lucky, I may get a free box of tissues.)

I'll report the gory details tomorrow. If my opinion changes between now and then, just say a quiet prayer for the soul you once knew as ChatRat.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Let's see what happens here :)

I quit several groups in the last couple of weeks. Two of those had been invaded by the plague who is apparently still bent on getting his sweet revenge against PA.

Rather than rejoin those groups to have it out with him, I thought I'd plonk it here to see just how impressively manic the guy is, to see how far his lunacy extends. Will he join the fray here or take my words here and spread them somewhere else?

Either way, I couldn't give a shit but it's going to be amusing to find out if I'm right on the one hand, and on the other it has been a long time since I blogged anyway so it's well overdue.

Here are the facts after Ardragate:

plague rejoined and scrolled 4 threads. Wherever Ardra posted, plague scrolled.

He wanted her booted out of the comm, neither Liz nor I was prepared to do it because we both know it was Ardra who took down P4Idiots. Hell, I was in an IM convo with her when she did it for the 2nd time in 3 days. We just didn't want that happening to PA so we left her alone.

plague thinks that's just moral cowardice for one and denying him of justice for another.

The sanctimonious stoat hasn't taken into account that Ardra booted 6 members and deleted all their posts as well - including mine - but none of the other 5 is baying for justice. Just him. So, nobody wants justice but him.

I told him why she's not being booted. I even used reverse psychology on him, that to boot her is only giving her exactly what she wants. Why do that? Let everyone see what she's really made of.

A week or so after all this, we start getting notifications from MSN to remove content which breaches their new puritanical code of conduct. We got 7 such notifications in all. And the group managed to survive. Both Dreamian and I - and I expect Liz as well - got an email response from MSN which included the original complaint from plague.

Three days after I posted the email from MSN to the PA boards, plague was still denying he was the one who sent the original reports.

After realising nobody was buying his accusation that someone was using his email address to make those reports, he changed tack and claimed he was going to start doing everything he could to get PA shut down. Since then, not one solitary notification from MSN.

The group was made public again for 90 minutes while ConMonkey and I used a search engine she set up to find questionable messages and images - and he managed to get in and go for a snoop - claiming he'd found lots of nice urls to report to MSN. Still we get no new reports from them of breaches of the code of conduct.

Now I see he's lying again saying he "was told that all sorts of secret things were happening behind the scenes, and that various people were "taking action".

Oh really? What secret things? They must be REALLY secret because I haven't heard diddly about anything going on or that any action is being taken. I'll ask Liz and Dream if they know anything about it, but my guess is they're as much in the dark as I am.

The only "secret" thing I did was report Ironbox's threats to MSN because it would be highly amusing to me if they banned her from all her groups and I don't recall telling anyone I'd done that either. (I still haven't heard back from MSN on that complaint.) Maybe I did, I can't remember and it's not important enough to bother pursuing.

There is another side issue going as well, which strikes me as in just as poor taste as Ardra's return to PA. I've only seen it in one group, but she's reposted Will's message about finding 14 year old girls attractive. I know it's a ruse because I know where Will's coming from. But Ardra, myriad and a couple of others bought it. ConMonkey now knows it was a ruse, Will has congratulated himself on the remarkable success of the ruse - but Ardra, having been called on falling for it - has decided I'm just a fucking creep.

Oh when chester said it, it was the crime of the century but because I'm on good terms with Will, it's perfectly ok. You fucking creep, ChatRat.

The difference, Ardra, is that chester meant it. Will doesn't. I know that, you obviously don't. He set a trap and you're pissed off because you fell for it and I knew it was coming. Sure the topic is in the worst possible taste, but what better way to attract lightning than with a lightning rod.

Face it Ardra, you're turning into a fat little no-life housewife and nobody is more disappointed about that than me. You used to have cred and class. Now all you have is fluffy pink slippers and a collection of The Best of Oprah.

I don't even know why I bothered responding to plague in the first place. It was clear from the outset that the only possible point of view on the whole thing was his own and nobody else had the first damn clue about anything.

Just imagine if we did do to Ardra what she did to six of us - even now. Does he really think doing a backflip is going to resolve anything for anyone? I mean what kind of unbelievable naivete would even prompt a continuation of holding that current line? Is there even one functioning brain cell in that head of his?

And what's with the bullshit and twisting and turning? "I was told of secret agendas..." "action being taken..." Fuck off. Just fuck off. You lost. Get over it.

Friday, April 21, 2006

People shit me

I was discussing with Anton and Cody what TVFR will become we get around to a name change and how subversive it might become.

Being the irretrievable mischief-maker that I am, I have an itchy trigger finger to take on the biggest of the lot and make a mockery of everything they do. Fox News wants a good hard arsefucking and an energetic Crew would be perfect to do it.

The old dragon Murdoch - whose mother I've actually met - couldn't possibly expect sympathy from any crowd for taking on a bunch of teenagers who managed to upstage him. Anyway, I checked out Virgin News and almost fell into a coma, so I poked my nose over to the Fox News website and got smacked in the eye by the continuing saga of Justin Berry.

It made me cry. No, I mean really. For like 20 minutes and there'll be more later.

The whole sorry story is just one great big fuckoff. It's Stephen Stayner on steroids kind of fuckoff. Don't even intimate to me you've never heard of either of those kids, that would really get up my nose in a bad way. A really bad way. A not joking kind of really bad way. You've all heard of Gandhi, he made his decisions as an adult. Him getting a bullet turned him into a modern day Jesus. I'm talking about kids who suffered worse than he did and had no choice in the matter. Kids whose stories make Gandhi's life look like a picnic.

The last two days have been bizarre.

First, that interminable dickhead cleo, handmaiden of all that's inane, fluffy and intellectually void, starts poking fun because I was made an AM in a group started a few weeks ago by some English kids who found me being my usual self in a comm I've been around for 3 or 4 years. Three days the group was going before the filth got in and made things uncomfortable for them. The owner talked to me about it and when I confirmed what they were already feeling, they booted him and made me an AM. I've got a sneaking suspicion its crept back in under another nick so I've put the spotlight on him.

Just like I had to protect PA from plague's fury last week, I'm never going to sit by and allow some filthy slimeball to get fresh with those kids. I set the thing to send me all messages as emails so there's no hiding if anyone has a shot at them and I'll boot them in a heartbeat without word or warning. No fuss, no fanfare, just get out.

To make my position clear to this person, I had to word it without putting it in black and white, that I will protect those kids as much as humanly possible from even the hint of impropriety. I had to hint all around it in order not to come across as patronising to them whilst still being adamant with the individual in question. Basically, put up or shut up and get out. I was congratulated on my effort by one of the other members who said:

"Very nicely put! If I am ever sentenced to "Tact Management Rehabilitation" class, will you be my tutor?"

Cheri weighed in with her efforts, not even worth the proverbial two cents, and I got wind of that via Will. She had a shot at me for something of which I knew absolutely nothing then hinted that I should be having nothing to do with young people. TVFR wouldn't exist without at least one young person. What it's going to become in a couple of weeks won't be created without more. I will demonstrate to anyone with a pulse and more than one brain cell just of what 'young people' are capable - and things like her and cleo can ooze with envy and malevolence as much as they like.

Codemeister came to my rescue today, bless him. I got bent out of shape in the middle of what I was doing and he just happened to catch me imploding, put his foot down and gave it to me straight. There are still one or two issues which for me, preclude objectivity. He's abundantly aware of what they are and he basically told me to stop being a prat. Anton probably would have, but he had Laura coming over to his place and neither Cody nor I mentioned anything to him, the better to preserve his good mood. Better coming from Cody though, Anton's a fucking bastard when he's pissed off. Ain't no time for sympathy and biscuits there, oh no. He would have laughed and made it the joke of the week. (You can see why I like him so well.)

Moving on, I got an anonymous email today asking me how I go about taking down child porn websites. So for anyone who's interested, here's how I do it:

I utilise the services of and the FBI's internet adjunct, Why the two sites? Because inter-service rivalry is alive and well. If I reported a site to one or the other, it would sit there for months until somebody got around to doing something about it. I found that out the hard way. By reporting it to both sites, and telling both I've reported it to their competition, they fall all over themselves to claim victory in the shutting down of yet another vile example of the depths to which filth will operate. See? Method people, method.

I stopped counting somewhere in the 40s for the number of sites I've had them shut down. The novelty wears off when you realise the more you shut down, the more that spring up and the genuine ones are harder to find and they're more refined about how they share and spread their disease. The only upside - if you can call it that - is what I find now means I don't have to see what's going on, it's all links which just somehow magically find their way into the loving arms of the FBI.

I also got a hugely encouraging email from Republican Senator of Massachusetts, Scott Brown in some perennial battle he's going to have with the MA chapter of the American Civil Liberties Union's Carol Rose over the sex offender register in that state. To put it in a nutshell, I gave him ammunition he can use and I gave her a shot of how's your uncle. He replied, she didn't. So I sent Mr Brown a copy of the email I sent to Ms Rose - advising him of the fact she hadn't responded. (And still hasn't.)

Diddums, do I ask tough questions and present immutable evidence? How diabolically inconsiderate of me. Carol hunny, get fucked the hard way. Child victims may not have a voice you can hear, but I sure as shit have one and you better listen because if I get really pissed off, I'm the sort who'll plaster your squalid little organisation's Boston branch all over the place. 99 issues out of a hundred, I couldn't give a damn about but this the THE one about which you won't have me silent for love or money.

Fair and balanced? In your eye, bitch. Back off the register.

Other things have accorded me a bit of gruntage in the last couple of days but having typed them twice and deleted them - just to compare, you understand - I decided it was a degree of self-indulgence in which even I can't bask.

Besides which, despite this whole rampage of self indulgence, I'm still more than conscious of the agony upon which it is based. To add my personal grievance to what sparked this update just seems vulgar and insensitive in the extreme.

*sigh* I should have just listened to Anton. Those kids just know.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

OMG Update WTF!

Well, I got my first email response from a non-Australian politician today. The joy of that is I haven't done any research at all to which side of the political spectrum he belongs, we're talking about my favourite subject and we're essentially on the same side.

I know after discovering the filth's blog that I promised to keep this one updated more regularly than in the past - I'd hate to disappoint my readership of two :/ - but the fact is, I've been doing more research than I normally do and writing stuff to which I'm not really accustomed to writing. (Acute absense of swearing, in other words.)

I've been keeping tabs elsewhere and getting involved in other matters, so it's not like my overall activity level has declined, it's just been directed elsewhere.

I get the distinct impression Anton's avoiding me because he hasn't had time to do his updatage of TVFR. Poor kid. I totally understand he's got school commitments to worry about and it's better for both our sakes he directs his energies there rather than on TVFR. TVFR will wait, his future will be on him before he knows it and he won't have wanted to have squandered his time on a bit of fun at the expense of that future.

I miss him though.

Strangely enough, I'm missing Sarah too. Haven't heard from her for a week now and since she used to occupy what was my quiet time of an evening, I've actually been a tad uninspired this week just past.

Maybe it's because in the preceding week, we talked for about 40 hours and she feels there's nothing left to discuss. Who knows.

Sean has finally expressed an interest in taking photos for but since my last message to him, he's gone awol as well. I even gave him ideas and examples of the sort of pics I can use for the blog.

I haven't made up my mind yet whether I'd use his work or Caleb's to fill the void I'm planning to create at TVFR too. On one hand, I feel like I owe it to Caleb, but I haven't asked how interested he'd be to get involved. On the other hand, Sean is more popular than a Coke and fries in his neck of the woods and passing up the opportunity to get that much of a fanbase to boost TVFR would be insane. Sean's work really is that good, and he just oozes charisma. It's a bitch because I'm also very fond of Caleb and I know if he agreed to do something for me, he would neither keep me waiting nor give me the runaround. Their work would be of comparable quality too.

If I take the objective view, I'd have to go with Sean for and Caleb for TVFR. If Sean took an interest in TVFR, then I'd find a way they could both get involved. If Caleb took an interest in, I'd have to come up with specific requirements for him, because he's not local to the Boston area.

Deary me, the intricacies of running active blogs all over the place.. I don't know.

Cody's music is contagious. First listening I always think 'meh, nothing special' but listen to it twice and it becomes irresistible. I haven't made up my mind yet just what that's all about.

Had a couple of hours conversation with Seth the other day. I love those kids so much. Every time I talk to them, they come up with some unreal little nugget of information which just hits me in the eye like a javelin.

Chris is even starting to demonstrate that uncanny habit of knowing what I'm about to say before I say it. Am I that predictable or is he getting that scary?

Whoever that woman in Adelaide is got me the other day too. I swear I will never understand the female of the species. You don't hear from them for weeks then all of a sudden you're talking like you went to the same party just the day before. We were talking for ages and I can't even remember what we talked about, except that it didn't drag on or get that strained sort of aspect about it when someone breaks an uncomfortable silence by saying something stupidly banal like "So, you have a blog somewhere..."

The only ones I can talk to for any length of time are the ones who don't try to get into my head or smother me with compliments. It didn't occur to me the whole time we were talking that I don't even know her name.

Someone should make a movie about it.

"The Name of the Prose."

(So sue me.)

Sunday, March 19, 2006

The eternal optimist

If you click on the links at the top right hand page of this um page, you're apt to come across - well - God only knows what, really.

Things like this...

You can just imagine my reaction when I saw that. Yeah, I just had to come and tell everyone.

Sunday, March 12, 2006

Caption contest over.

There, I'm happy with that caption.

Probably helps that I'm very fond of the person in the picture too.

Catching up with the old gang

Years and years ago, probably 2 and a half to be more accurate, one of the kids in Queensland and I would talk for hours on messenger or on the phone, usually at times one or both of us should have been asleep and then, because of circumstances we stopped.

He got a new internet provider or something, I got a new phone with a new number and it seems all attempts at communication proved futile. Odd really.

Anyway, the other day, I tripped over some spot on the e-bog where he just happens to have left a footprint, so I threatened terrible repercussions if he didn't drop a message and say g'day.

And he did.

It's one of the nicest things being me that if I lose contact for a while with someone, I can always just pick up the threads as if it were just the week before since I spoke to them last.

And the best thing of all about Andrew is he's even more relaxed about everything than I am. Hard to believe, I know, but there you have it.

This has been another presentation from your emotionally dangerous

Friday, March 10, 2006

My day starts late

Yesterday was weird. I was totally bored out of my head for the first few hours, then it got intense and I didn't want it to end. Then all the intensity dried right up and I went to bed early.

Today I got up early and was totally bored out of my head for the first few hours, then it got intense for an hour or two and I had to go out. Which pretty much wrecked the rest of the day. I watched Phantom Menace until the pod race, then I got bored with that and got back on the net. I've been making a nuisance of myself for an hour or so but I don't really feel like pushing my luck there any more than I have been lately.

I bailed early on a couple of the kids because I had to go out and I have this horrible feeling it was as disappointing for them as it was for me. They get talking and they don't stop until they're ready to collapse at their keyboards. (And people wonder why I love them so much...)

I'm still bored though.

Those corporations that want my money all sent me birthday greetings yesterday. Way to go, guys. One's going to get it, the rest can go fuck themselves.

I'm also staring at the only birthday present that managed to find its way through the alienation filters and gift-giving firewalls I thought I'd maintained pretty well. My dad sent it through my brother then rang up to make sure I'd got it.

He never ever understood me. I just don't know how I could make it any plainer - forget the day, don't tell me I'm no longer the same age I was the day before. Unbelievable. Oh well.

I should get very drunk. I feel like have a binge but I'm just too damn bored to even get the bottle out. Besides, I don't think there's any ice.

My playlist is better than yours. It has much David Bowie on it. So there.

Saturday, March 04, 2006

On Zadok the Priest and other things

What a stupid name for a song... Zadok the Priest.

It rambles on a bit, but me being ever so slightly the Philistine, I chopped the rest of the mp3 off after the first stanza - which, let's face it, is the best bit of the whole song.

I love the strings, not so much the chorale and the brass.

Wikipedia has a picture of the Melbourne Symphony Orchestra playing that piece at Rod Laver Arena - damn fine picture too.

One I think Caleb could well appreciate. Speaking of Caleb, he posted a simply superb pic of Cody to his blog, which I couldn't resist.

One of these days, probably fairly soon I should think, I'll come up with one of those brief and meaningful quotations which future generations of tie-wearing twats will frame in their little plastic box offices and thereby completely ruin the sentiment of what is otherwise a magnificent and beautiful picture.

Yeah, I think it's fair to say I'm in an exceptionally upbeat mood right now.

Rageboy sent me another email after I did one of those terrible things to people in the middle of something too. I sent him a link to a book I thought he might find interesting and pertinent to Mystic Bourgeoisie and he was interested in it. Didn't consider my sending it a nuisance at all. Wooo!

I rock.

It's hot again this weekend. Just thought I'd finish by trying to return you to the state you were in before you started reading this edition. It'd be successful too if you don't stare at Caleb's picture of Cody by the lake too long as well.

Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Too busy or not too busy

I did the oddest thing today. One of the kids was disinclined to update their blog, so I did it in the form of a comment. Yet to see how it rates but I liked it.

In other news, if you've noticed a slowing down of the internet of late, blame Rageboy. He's started a new movement at frappr and hasn't slowed down any of his other activities. The hogging of bandwidth is all down to him. I feel so honoured I got in early. I even got a reply whilst things were slow.

Down Clothing Co. is with it all the way too. Ordinarily I'd dismiss these people as rank spammers, the K-Mart of the internet, but there was just something classy about what they sent me and rather than opt for my usual disdain of such things, I decided to bite. As in take the bait, not snap back at them for their impertinence.

Impertinence is one my more endearing qualities so how I could begrudge a clothing company that quality. Well, I can't. Now, let's just see of what they're made. Will they follow it up or will I have to jolt them into action? Time will tell.

I feel the love.

But it feels like it's flowing to me at the expense of those around me - kinda like RB sucking up all the bandwidth. Just what the hell I'm supposed to do with it is anyone's guess though. I turn on the tap and there's all this lovin' comin' out at me. It's not like I can cram it all back, but I can't make good use of it either. Why people don't listen to a word I say is beyond me too. Here, I'll throw it up in big bold capitals for you:


I don't want hosers for groupies. Actually, I don't especially want groupies either. I'm an RB groupie. If you want to be more like me - and I know you do - become an RB groupie too.

Clickage on the right.

Two words, sprung on me for the first time in 1979 have come amusingly hauntingly back into the forefront of my consciousness.

History Revision.

It used to be what we did before a test on Friday, but now it's a criminal offence in some countries.


Adults are so fucked up aren't they?

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Walking at night

I like to go walking at night. I'm well known in my neighbourhood because I nod, smile and say g'day to everyone coming the other way. There aren't many people who walk around at night around here. They're mostly in their 60s so they stay inside and knit or watch the ABC.

I'm feeling a bit overcrowded, that's why I like to do things without interference from other people from time to time. I'm feeling overcrowded because the phone is ringing with offers I don't want. I'm getting emails from people I don't like and requests for all sorts of shit for people about whom I couldn't care less and who care nothing for me either.

I kinda loathe superficiality. It's social clutter. It's like having to put with someone's psychological garbage because they have no idea how to deal with it themselves. I sure as shit don't want it. If you have nothing worthwhile to say, then just shut the fuck up.

One of the kids grabbed me on messenger and was very reticent about getting me to evaluate a poem he'd written for a school assignment. They all know I hate poetry. I got it out of him eventually and it was really very good. For someone who hates poetry to say that, it must have been something special.

Don't worry though, you're never going to read it from my keyboard. (I reserve my prerogative to be an arsehole.)

What's the difference between depression and laziness?

Think carefully before you start sending me emails.

Time for my evening's contemplative stroll.
(I want to get to the shop before it shuts.)

Monday, February 20, 2006

Oooh ditto.

I have a week off.

Among other annoying events, or perhaps that should be non-events, I forgot to eat again today. I mean, I opened the cupboards and had a look around, I opened the fridge and the freezer and I grabbed a couple of things, then I put them back because I couldn't be bothered making anything because I realised I couldn't be bothered eating anything either.

My dog does enough eating for both of us, the fluffy fat red pig that he is. I didn't eat anything yesterday either. I tend to sleep through most of Saturday now. I rang my beloved Liz and spoke to her for an hour or so all the way across the ocean in Oregon. Ok, well she asked me to and I did because I do that sort of thing for people I love and I love Liz to bits.

It would be nice if people didn't shit on her as much as they seem to do. I wish she'd just get on a plane and come to Australia. She could learn to relax a little bit and there's no better place on earth - besides Ibiza - to relax. Australians are generally so laid back it's a wonder we're not all corpses.

I have a week to either find a new gig or just get a regular full time permanent job. Gigs are good because they're not permanent and they pay rather nicely, but they just don't seem to give me the same satisfaction as regular work.

I gave that youth newspaper a thorough going over yesterday too and was stunned and mortified and lots of other unpleasant words ending with d which pretty much meant this newspaper is nothing short of advertising pitched at teenagers. Fucking bastards. What a scam. Someone's getting paid too much and I bet they're not delivering even one tenth for what the misbegotten punter is paying. There's absolutely bugger all in it for young people.

S-Press has to be a better bet, but the thought of taking notepad, pen and paper into school events and that sort of thing smacks of whitewash to me. I don't like it, although to give them their due, they're not pretending to be a charity, they have a massive Your Say section and the ads are pretty much for the sort of stuff the kids go for whether they're advertised or not. Billabong sells itself, they don't need to advertise. S-Press's biggest flaw is the paper itself isn't a freebie. If it were, the circulation would probably go through the roof. Anyway, if I want a writing gig, or even a writing job, I'm going to have to toe someone's line and it sure as shit beats going up against a million other jokers all vying for a spot in The Big Issue (which is a surprisingly good publication) for a couple of hundred bucks a fortnight. That's good money for coffees after work but it ain't gunna cut it when the electrickery bill comes around.

Lastly, I spotted something somewhere which is right up Rageboy's alley right now, considering what he's writing. I must find it again and send him the link, though he's pretty much mapped out his book and everything he's going to put in it. Pro writers tend to do that - get their whole book planned, make the entire framework and never deviate even one iota from that framework as they fill in the gaps. Sorta means I'm probably too late, but it still may interest him nevertheless.

And between the time I wrote that and posted it here, I found the link for which I was searching. Damn I'm good.

The cap I habitually wear is wearing out and I can't get another one. What a bitch.

Saturday, February 18, 2006

They're all talking about it now

One of the kids on the other side, well two of them actually, brought up the subject of filth not exactly propositioning underage girls, but pretty damn close to it and yes, he's involved in the youth division of some political party.

Am I annoyed by this?

Well waddaya reckon!

I had a conversation with her this afternoon and told her it's freaked me out these last two days and although I didn't need to beg her to keep herself and her friends safe, it's the kids who don't have those networks or are in any other way vulnerable that this cunt will pick on. The bloke has a reputation as a creep but when some kid who is feeling isolated for whatever reason seeks out another the rest of the group shuns, it spells Trouble - and makes this Rat fret.

Maybe the kids I know are safe from him, but somewhere, some kid isn't.

Right, so it's my personal hang up but let's face it, when you know from personal experience how those fuckers operate, the patterns are pretty easy to recognise.

Oh did I say hang up? Oops, sorry - I meant hobby horse. I ride that baby not exactly with pride and joy, but I'm not about to abandon my enthusiasm for it, there's too much at stake to leave that sort of thing to chance.

I help those kids feel better about a whole range of things and I know - again from personal experience as well as the words of professionals - that a high self esteem is a kid's best defence against predators. And that's what it's all about, self esteem.

When I see the kids defaulting to laziness or irresponsibility when it comes to things they know they should be doing, I jump on them for it. The best and most efficient means of building their self esteem is to make them feel as though they can achieve their goals, that they can operate effectively in this world and they have back-ups if they need them. (Networking.)

When they default, they know they've defaulted. They can't lie to themselves and I don't let them get away with trying to spring that shit on me either. They know it too. Probably why the ones with whom I've spent the most time actually do respect me.

I'm tough on them because defaulting, taking the easy way out or making excuses LOWERS their sense of self esteem. Whatever it takes to motivate them to achieve even tiny goals is gold dust to me. Knowing their interests and aspirations is how I fight their laziness or defaulting and taking the easy way out. Is that using their goals against them or is it effective in motivating them to get off their arses and help themselves to be what they want to be?

We do have a lot of laughs along the way, I'm not saying I stand over them like some ogre demanding they pull their fingers out and get on with their lives, but I do make heavy usage of analogies and sometimes it's hard to come up with really good ones. I can't handle this attitude of self defeat which I first saw in print in 1991 in John Holt's excellent book "How Children Fail" in the chapter titled "Strategies".

Being successful is hard work and developing strategies for dealing with people who want you to succeed is a recipe for personal disaster. They have to bite the bullet and do what they know is the right thing to do, not make excuses or find reasons for doing the wrong thing and being lazy.

It's hard being tough with some of those kids too. I don't want to lose any of them. I really do love them that much. But if they see me as someone on whom they can rely, how bad would it be to let them down by ignoring the warning signs and being a part of their failure instead of being there to see them achieve everything they want to achieve. I can't do that. I won't do it.


It's ok to admit you can't do something but only after they've given it their best shot and not some half arsed token gesture of an attempt. Asking for help and support is probably the hardest aspect of working towards personal success anyway. I hope I make it easy for them to come to me when they want that kind of support and encouragement.

I think I do. They've come to me with some pretty far out questions and requests, and they let me do other stuff for them too, particularly when it comes to writing or music and I absolutely leap on even half an opportunity to do whatever I can. One of those requests took me four days to finish, but it was worth it.

Anyway, I'm done for tonight. Take what you will from all of this and apply it to whomever you please. If self esteem doesn't rate with anyone reading this, then kindly just fuck off. I'm not interested in entertaining the willful emotional leper.

Friday, February 17, 2006

Too boring to do over there...

What's worse than a Josh with too much time on his hands?
A plagiarising Rat with even more time.

:x: do you wish you could live somewhere else: No way. Melbourne's perfect.
:x: do you think about suicide: Not any more.
:x: do you believe in online dating: I've never been that lonely.
:x: do you think others find you attractive: More fool them if they do.
:x: do you want (more) piercings: No.
:x: do you like cleaning: Hate it.
:x: do you like roller coasters: No.
:x: write in cursive or print: Both.
:x: last talked to: George
:x: last thought of: Josh - it's his quiz.
:x: last showered: Last night.
:x: last cut your nails: Last week.
:x: last did laundry: Last Sunday.
:x: last hugged a tree: I don't do that herbisexual bullshit
:x: last watched anime: What's anime?
:x: last prayed: More than 20 years ago, still waiting for an answer.

for or against…
:x: long distant relationships: Madder than mad. Even short distance ones are fraught with danger.
:x: killing people: If the bastards deserve to die.
:x: teenage smoking: dislike it
:x: driving drunk: Fucking idiots.
:x: gay/lesbian relationships: For.
:x: soap operas: For braindead fat housebound dole bludgers only.

have you…
:x: ever cried over a romantic interest: No
:x: ever been in a fist fight: Not really. When I hit, I don't get hit back.
:x: ever been arrested: Yes
:x: ever had a friend die: More than I care to number.
:x: ever dated a cousin: Don't have any cousins.
:x: ever used a gun: Yes
:x: ever frenched kiss: Yes
:x: ever finished a puzzle: Yes
:x: ever got surgery: Yes
:x: ever got beat up: No
:x: ever hated someone: So much it hurts.
:x: ever made a huge mistake: More than I care to remember..
:x: ever tried any drugs: Not many
:x: ever jogged a mile: Only when I was young and foolish
:x: ever played w/ someone’s feelings: Unintentionally perhaps.
:x: ever had feelings for someone younger than you: Of course.

:x: shoes do you wear: Puma.
:x: are you scared of: Nothing in particular.
:x: do you sleep in: Whatever I last wore during the day.
:x: did you eat for lunch today: Didn't.
:x: is love: A good excuse for behaving like a tosspot.

:x: of times I have had my heart broken?: Once or twice.
:x: of hearts I have broken?: One or two.
:x: of girls I have kissed?: lost count
:x: of boys I have kissed?: Only my former boss and my little brother.
:x: of guys/girls you've rejected?: All of them now.
:x: of drugs you taken: God, how many are there!
:x: of people you lean on?: 1
:x: of people you broke up with?: Don't recall
:x: of people who broke up with you?: See above.

Would you say you are...
:x: pretty: Nope
:x: funny: Meh
:x: hot: No way.
:x: friendly: Not usually
:x: ugly: Not in the dark
:x: loveable: Hope not
:x: caring: Yes
:x: dorky: Who's asking?
:x: cocky: I'm not cocky, I'm just fuckin' awesome. (I left this one as I found it.)
:x: girly: Never
:x: boyish: Often.
:x: smart: Yeah I'd say so.
:x: pimp: Nah
:x: angel: Definitely not
:x: gangster: Bunch of insecure tossers.
:x: God: No, Cheri's God, Ardra's the Devil and I'm just the mail man..

:x: FOUR letter word: Crap
:x: comedian: Robin Williams/ Billy Connolly
:x: candy: Chocolate
:x: cartoon: Prince Planet
:x: cereal: I don't really have one
:x: chewing gum: Nah
:x: day of week: Saturday
:x: least fave day: Thursday
:x: jello flavor: Disgusting revolting stuff - even to wrestle in.
:x: summer/winter: Autumn
:x: trampolines or swimming pools: Pools

Last person who/that...
:x: slept in your bed: Me
:x: saw you cry: I don't know.
:x: made you cry: My little brother.
:x: you went to the movies with: George
:x: yelled at you: George?
:x: sent you an email: Tiffers.

have you ever…
:x: said "I love you" and meant it?: Yeah.
:x: gone out in public in your pajamas?: Yeah, except they weren't MY pyjamas.
:x: kept a secret from everyone?: I guess.
:x: cried during a movie?: Often. I lose it big time in movies.
:x: ever at anytime owned new kids on the block?: No, I don't do that sort of thing.
:x: planned your week based on the TV Guide?: Tv, that's what they had before the internet isn't it?
:x: been on stage?: Heaps of times
:x: been to New York? No
:x: been to California?: No
:x: been to Florida?: No
:x: Hawaii?: No
:x: China?: No
:x: Canada?: One of the few places to which I would like to go.
:x: Europe?: No
:x: what time is it now? 9:42pm
:x: apples or bananas?: Bananas
:x: blue or red?: Blue
:x: walmart or target?: I'd rather die
:x: spring or fall?: Autumn. Wankers who write these things should think globally.
:x: what are you gonna do after you finish this?: Dunno.
:x: what was the last meal you ate?: Lunch - yesterday.
:x: are you bored?: Probably
:x: last noise you heard? Song by Aerosmith.
:x: last smell you sniffed?: Apple pie.
:x: last time you went out of state/province?: 1986
:x: last car ride: two hours ago.

:x: do you believe in love at first sight?: Of course.
:x: do you want children one day & if so, how many?: If I ever have children it will be for the sheer effect of messing with their heads. (Josh's answer, I'll go with this one too.
:x: most important thing to you in a friendship is?: My friends know when to leave me the fuck alone.

random stuff…
:x: criminal record?: As long as my arm
:x: do you speak any other languages?: I can swear in several
:x: name some of your favorite things in your bedroom: Me.
:x: worst feeling in the world?: Pass.
:x: who are you in love with?: Nobody.

:x: nickname(s): Rat
:x: initials: PR
:x: how old do you look?: 30ish
:x: how old do you act?: 15
:x: glasses/contacts?: Only for reading at the end of a long day.
:x: braces: No

:x: do you have any pets?: Yeah
:x: you get embarrassed?: Sometimes.
:x: what upsets you?: People in general. Mostly the stupid ones.

LoVe LiFe-
:x; who do you love/like a lot: EA
:x: who was your previous signifigant other: Does my little brother count?
:x: who was the last person you kissed: My former boss.
:x: who was the last person you hugged: My boss's wife.
:x: how long have you been with your signifigant other: I'm not and hope not to be.
:x: what is your best memory with this person: solitude.

Monday, February 06, 2006


The Russian Stock Exchange has been disrupted by a computer virus.

How unfortunate!

If I didn't find this inherently amusing, you wouldn't be reading about it here. If I thought it a well written article, I'd have copied it here but the possibilities for gigglage were just hanging in the wind like a fat grandma's bloomers on a clothesline in a strong breeze.

What on earth do they trade on the Russian stock exchange anyway? Shares in coal mines? Vodka distilleries? Potato farms? Gee, they'd be worth a packet. How about nuclear power plants... oooh, bad!

Personally, I was unaware the Russkies even had a stock exchange. It's a massive wasteland where everyone thinks food is a luxury to be afforded only by the corrupt, the wealthy and western tourists.

I know that's not a terribly accurate view of Moscow and St Petersberg and probably one or two other large cities, but in the far east of that country, the peasants live on nothing but whale meat, brought to shore in those funny little boats you see being used as fishing boats in tourist brochures for the Philippines. Only there aren't any Philippino fishermen within cooee of Vladivostok.

In other news, I'm feeling decidedly dejected because it seems whilst the owners of my current gig were away on holidays, several thousand dollars went missing and I had everything and nothing to do with it.

I gathered and recorded the taking of the money in the first place, but between my hands and the bank, wads of it went missing and they have their eyes firmly planted on me as being the culprit.


If I'd pinched a few thousand dollars in a two week spree, what's the chances of me still being there to wait for the fallout? Not a snowflake's chance in hell. I'd be sunning myself in the Victorian high country, throwing stones at errant cattle and - with my laptop computer, plugging in and writing like someone possessed.

I wish I knew where the money went too. I'd rest easier then. It's one thing to be accused of something I haven't done but it's bloody uncomfortable having nothing with which to prove my innocence because it's my word against the paper records I kept - some of which have also gone missing through no fault of my own - and it makes me look as guilty as sin.

There are a couple of things in my favour though. Firstly, I put in very long hours and don't record them which means they're getting my time for nothing. Secondly, mishaps have occurred when I haven't been there. Thirdly, the bloke they entrusted with the shop's management while they were on holidays has been playing funny buggers with them for the last two weeks over unrelated matters.

But I'm still feeling exceedingly disappointed that the finger of blame and incrimination is pointed almost exclusively in my direction and I don't have an adequate answer.

If this gets worse, I'll just quit. I don't care, I'm not going to stand for being accused of something I haven't done and be branded as untrustworthy - a liar and a thief - in short. I just won't.

What bugs me no end though is that I can't tell for sure who's bullshitting whom but I'm piggy in the middle.

I'm going to get some professional advice from Lance on this one. I seriously want out of this whole stupid situation not of my making but I want to get out in such fashion it doesn't make me appear to be guilty of something I haven't done.

I want to help these people, not rub their noses in the dust of lightfingeredness. But I'm still number one in this equation. I'm not about to compromise my own integrity for the sake of a brawl between the proprietors and whomever it is who either should be able to account for the missing money or who should be held accountable for it having actually gone missing.

All that just isn't me. I get involved with the business, not the warping and undermining of it.

Enough of that.

Some jerks put out the most pathetic remake of one of my favourite songs - Forever Young - and whilst the film clip is a good one, the rendition is pox. I hate it.

Too bad. I'm going to listen to a bit of Simon & Garfunkel then go to bed.

Sod the whole world for a few hours. It can bloody well take care of itself without me for a bit.

Losing touch.

Last week I worked a total of 76 hours. I'm officially very very tired.

I'm also getting distressed. I'm very aware that where before I had time at the right time of day to exchange messages with people in real time, that has been supplanted these two weeks just past by work in which I'm rapidly losing interest.

Income is nice but money is only as good as the things for which it used. There's no point having plenty of money and not having the time to enjoy the privileges of being cashed up.

While I know "it's all going to be ok in the long run", it upsets me because it doesn't take a whole lot to go from being ok to being outstanding - for the better or the worse. An ounce of careful management is worth a ton of remedial action.

Moreover, if 99% of perspiration is the result of 1% of inspiration, it doesn't take much to figure out that without that tiny bit of inspiration, all the perspiration will pretty much be for someone else's benefit. Work for the man or be the man for whom others work. You know how it goes.

For those who are missing out on what has erstwhile been the norm, believe me when I say it's burning a hole in my soul as well. I still love you all and miss you terribly.

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

This cracked me up...

An author answers questions from an interviewer...

How does it feel to receive a good review or an award?

I feel pleased to live in a world where there are such good critics.

And how does it feel to receive a bad review?

I feel sad to live in a world where there are such poor critics.

An ego of that magnitude just deserves respect.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Dragging on...

I dislike anniversaries of things, except the anniversary of the federation of Australia, January 26, also known as Australia Day.

The trouble is, a week from today, it's the anniversary of Christopher's death and as much as I'd like to deny it, it's bugging me not a little.

It's been 6 years (less 7 days) since he died and I don't know whether to be ashamed or proud of the fact I still miss him terribly and that it still hurts.

Right now, I'm still overwhelmingly confident I will never get involved in anything resembling a close personal relationship again. Not that it doesn't seem worthwhile, it's just I haven't come to terms with so magnitudinous a loss yet. Some part of me is still totally distracted by what's no longer there.

Cody would leap on it with glee if I surmised my preoccupation with the Crew, as I've affectionately come to know the kids on the other side, is largely down to missing my little brother so much - considering he was only 19 when he died.

I do sometimes fantasize about a few of them as pseudo replacements for Christopher, but not in any serious way. They are their own people, all different from each other and all different from Christopher. I love them because of who they are, not because I miss my brother.

Looking after Christopher was something of a habit. The only time I wasn't doing something revolving around caring for him was when I was asleep. And I preferred sleeping when he was awake because it was next to impossible to sleep when he was asleep because the little bastard snored like a freight train. It made the windows rattle. When he slept, I was out working but I would call in regularly to make sure he was ok. I was lucky to have had such an understanding boss at the time.

When he died, I had no option but to break the habit. I didn't know what to do with myself. Not only had I lost the person I loved more than any other before or since, my daily routine was ruined.

I'd get up at 4am and go to work, Chris would still be asleep. I'd drop in around 9 to make sure he was ok and get him anything he needed. If he were awake and wanted to come with me, I'd get him dressed and take him back to work with me where he would sit outside and watch the passing traffic until about 1pm when I'd finish. Then I'd spend the rest of the day with him - usually fighting about some stupid thing or other - and we'd end up back at home where I'd crash by 10pm while he watched the television.

Towards the end, we moved the mattresses from his bed and mine into the loungeroom so if he needed anything, he could wake me up. He needed to sleep by the heater because the cold made him ache too much and even morphine wouldn't calm him down. There were days and nights he was in so much pain, all I could do was hold him.

There were times I had to carry him to the car and drive him to hospital, shouting at him to make him remember to breathe. And Christopher wasn't small. He was a stocky nugget of a kid. He lost 20 kilos in his last few months, and I don't know whether he gave up on himself or pitied me for what I was going through watching him waste away, unable even to take care of his basic needs. Before he got sick, he was a small mountain of a kid, strong as an ox. To need help showering and dressing himself was devastating for him. If we didn't share that bond of unequivocal love and trust, that would just have been nightmarish for both of us. He used to apologise if he needed me to help him get to the toilet if it interrupted what I was doing. Then I would hold him again, sometimes for hours, just to reaffirm the fact I still loved him.

There was nothing I didn't do for him and nothing I wouldn't have done for him. It's an attitude that became, as I said, a habit and one I was neither willing nor ready to break. What I got out of caring for him was fulfillment. It was me being more than just me, it was me being fundamental to his life as well. I don't even know how to describe how that made me feel except to lose that feeling suddenly left a massive hole, not only in my daily routine, but in me as a person. Half of me was gone. In many ways, a more noble part of me.

What I get from those kids on the other side is an opportunity to again do in a greatly reduced fashion the one thing that brought me unequalled joy, pride and pleasure, the best thing I can say I've ever done and that is to care about someone other than myself. Christopher could have opted to go into a hospice or hospital, but he hated the very thought of that and chose to stay with me instead. For better or worse, I wouldn't have had it any other way either. What has been the cost to me for doing what I did instead of putting him somewhere he could have had 24/7 professional care? I don't know. Did I gain as a person? Again, I don't know. Would I feel differently about so many things now had I not taken care of my little brother? Maybe. One emotion I don't feel though, is guilt. I did my very best every waking minute of my life and I was 100% devoted to Christopher.

In view of the fact there are times - like the upcoming anniversary of his death - when I feel that loss more keenly than normal, was taking care of Christopher the best thing I could have done for myself? Hindsight, being the interminable fink it is, I have to say the answer is 'no'. It probably wasn't the best thing I could have done for myself. But I can only guess at how I'd feel if I'd have done anything else. I have no alternative but to think I'd feel much worse, and yes, very very guiltridden.

And that's why I can't help wanting to do the things I do and why I can't help wanting and needing to be around for the kids on the other side. Not just the Crew, but all the other kids from the other side as well. That these kids allow me to do that is what continually brings me so much pride and joy.

Parents don't always get things right. They quite often get things very wrong, but as long as there is love, there can be forgiveness for past mistakes. If together a family can muddle its way through the upbringing of a child, the child will turn out just fine as long as there is love for and trust in one another.

I wanted to blog this here instead of there because to me, imposing this sort of emotional burden on a kid is nothing short of abuse. I've no doubt one or two of them will read this, but it's their choice. If I did this over there, it has the potential not to be. If any of them cared enough to read this and comment here, I would take that as a pretty good guage of whether they feel I'm a pain the arse or if, indeed, they place any value on what we've done together over the last 6 months.

For those who needed a reason why I'm there at all, this is it.

For those who need to know what I do there, well, I converse. We talk about music, books, poetry, people, politics, history, blogs and the internet. They send me their music and they listen to mine. We share ideas and we laugh together. Sometimes, I listen to them when they need someone to listen to them or even just to know that someone is there who will listen to them if they ever need to talk.

I blogged this here because although I trust them enough to treat this sensibly, the idea they might take my happiness on as some sort of personal responsibility doesn't sit well with me - and there is more than one who might very well feel that way. That's not what I want. I'm pretty happy just as I am. I don't need any sort of moral support right now. I just wanted to say this because it's important to me to properly identify what I'm feeling - both about this upcoming anniversary of Christopher's death - and my interaction with all of them and how or if the two are related and what that relationship might be.

Maybe not doing this sooner is what has contributed to my making contact with the kids on the other side at all. Again I don't know, although I do suspect that's probably very likely. I can't stress enough how important it is to properly and honestly identify our emotions and deal with them openly and honestly and if that means keeping a diary or blogging, then that's what it means.

When Christopher died, I had an emotional breakdown which was probably a major contributing factor to my last heart attack. Put simply, I stopped wanting to live. I knew that much and it didn't need any further identification than that. But now I do want to live and today, with so much angst being generated because of the date and the anniversary it represents, I'm moved to deal with these feelings I've been carrying for 6 long years. I'll probably blog something similar next week, but the next big bit of writing I will be doing will be on Thursday when I put out the next edition of The Swamp, which will be another Worst Business Practice Award - the 8th WBP since I started them in 2001.

Feel free to comment but be warned now, I won't be happy if any stupid platitudes appear hereunder and I may choose to either ignore or retaliate. It'll depend on the weather.